


Back Seat Bingo

by existingcourage



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1950s, Aftercare, Alternate Universe - 1950s, Alternate Universe - Radio, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gang Violence, Gay, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Phandom Reverse Bang 2018, Rape/Non-con Elements, Violence, celebrity!Phil, producer!dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/existingcourage/pseuds/existingcourage
Summary: Phil, a young television and radio personality lands Dan, an upcoming producer as a co-worker. Friendship is inevitable, but what happens when life, love, and fear gets in the way? A 1950's Phan AU.





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> Waddup! This is my fic for the Phandom Reverse Bang 2018! I couldn't have done this without my beta, Rachel. She's patient and positive and is just overall amazing! Hopefully she feels like her degree is finally paying off haha. Anyways, I hope you enjoy our chapter with amazing art by Julia. All tumblrs will be linked here and in the end notes.
> 
> Ari (writer): existingcourage  
> Julia (artist): jumigs  
> Rachel: (world's best beta): fourthingsandawizard

Dan was the master of secrets. If you were to ever confide in him, he’d keep your truth close to his heart. He’d comfort you and house the secret until death if you asked. It was his best quality. It was what made him good at his job.

  
  


Dan being trustworthy pushed him further, got him closer to what he wanted, being a producer.

  
  


And now he was supposedly living the dream. Except he wasn’t. He was producing morning radio shows, the ones people listened to for weather announcements that were threaded with infomercials.

  
  


He didn’t sign up for this.

  
  


“Bubba, you gotta go over there and sell yourself, it’s all part of the job! Be excited!”

  
  


Excited wasn’t the word used to describe Dan. But this was his job; it paid the bills. Still, being told to “sell yourself” by your long-term girlfriend didn’t feel so great.

Dan huffed as he was being shoved towards the waiting room.

 

Today he had a new client. An apparently fresh bundie who was tall, incredibly handsome, and very charming (in the words of the company intern).

  
  


“Part of the job or not, I don’t take well to teenie-boppers.”

  
  


He heard distant laughter as he entered the waiting room.

  
  


“Well ain’t that a bite…”

 

The door to the waiting room creaked as he stepped inside slowly, his eyes widening at the sat figures. Two of the stations younger interns and a man, definitely older than Dan.

 

The tips of Dan's ears warmed as he remembered his conversation with Sammy just a few seconds beforehand. It was silly to assume Phil would be super young. Dan's hands felt clammy as he held his hand out for Phil to shake, his nerves evident in his voice.

  
  


“I’m Daniel Howell, producer of our show. My job is to make sure you’re happy and smiling and putting out good content. I’m guessing you’re doing morning work?”

  
  


“If by morning you mean 2:15, then yes. I am.”

  
  


Dan craned his head towards the waiting room door where Samantha stood, her bright blonde hair tied high upon her head, bangs prominent and perfecting trimmed. Her ponytail seemed to bounce when she talked.

  
  


“Bubba, this is Philip Lester. He’s very popular with young adults. His mother landed him a small roll on Lucy’s show, but now he’s looking for a steady job on air.”

  
  


Phil nodded, his hands smoothing out the wrinkle in his blue plaid vest.

  
  


“I’ve been told I sound better than I look so I thought this would be a nice fit for me.”

  
  


Dan gaped at Phil. Just looking at him confused the hell out of him.

  
  


Phil stood 6’2 with striking blue eyes that were also undeniably soft. His peculiar clothing choice also intrigued Dan. He wore a slightly wrinkled blue checked vest over a crisp, probably new, white collared shirt. With khakis that matched Dan’s.

Samantha giggled softly.

  
  


“I think we can all relate to that. Why do you think Bubba works behind the mics and not in front of them?”

  
  


Samantha calling him out was his sign to end the conversation early, placing his hand on the small of her back and leading her back to his office where he asked her to wait until he finished work.

  
  


When Dan returned, Phil was sat on the loveseat, slumped over himself with blush prominent on his cheeks.

  
  


He was nervous.

 

Radio was still so new to him, and surprisingly his following didn’t help. They were used to him on the telly, acting and seeing his expressions. Radio was different.

 

Phil was different. He was known as the charismatic extra with few lines a season. The actor used to appeal the younger audience. Phil was the “girls want him, guys want to be him,” type.

  
  


Except he wasn’t like that in person. Phil was reserved and secretive. His cheeks flushed easily, and he often was left frazzled after simple conversations like a few minutes ago.

 

It didn’t help his secretive side was prying into his sensible one. When Mr. Howell and Samantha (was it?), came to welcome him, he couldn’t help the scratchiness in his throat. He could only hope the tremble in his voice was unheard.

  
  


“Philip? Are you ready to begin?”

  
  


Phil’s head snapped up to Dan’s voice.

  
  


“Uh, yes, Mr. Howell.”

  
  


“Please call me Dan, our records show you’re older than me anyways. Unless you want me to call you Mr. Lester?”

  
  


Phil laughed with Dan, his uneasiness slowly melting away.

  
  


“No, no, Dan works. Call me Phil, please.”

  
  


“Will do.”

  
  


Dan smiled kindly at the elder as he watched him awkwardly fold his hands into his slacks. He wondered if Phil was as curious at Dan’s clothing choice as Dan was at the others. Dan, in his cream cardigan and ironed white skinny-collared shirt contrasted drastically with the chill vibes Phil was casting off.

 

Dan crossed the room and sat next to Phil, a considerable amount of room between them.

  
  


“What do you want for your show?”

  
  


“My show?”

  
  


“The radio show. Your hopes for it, what you want to happen, what do you do?”

  
  


“Oh, well I was told I would deal with music and that between the tunes, I would do what I wanted.”

  
  


“Yes, we want you to be as comfortable as you can be.”

  
  


“Thank you, Dan, but really. You don’t need to be so formal.”

  
  


Dan smiled nervously.

  
  


“Oh, am I doing it again? I haven’t had my morning coffee so I’m a bit on edge.”

  
  


Phil lifted from the couch and extended his hand.

  
  


“I haven’t either,” he chuckled. “But there’s this little diner down the road with amazing shakes and coffees. If we’re gonna discuss our show we should do it while highly intoxicated or hyped on sugar.”

  
  


“Or both?”

  
  


Phil and Dan laughed, bright swirling eyes meeting warm chocolate ones. Dan grabbed the hand in front of him and lifted from the couch.

  
  


“One step at a time, eh?”

* * *

 

 

The walk to the diner that usually took Phil five minutes, took twice that because of the distraction he carried with him: his boss. Or Dan, as he now gets to call him.

 

To be completely honest, Phil was worried when he asked Dan to the diner and when he held out his hand and when he smiled the way he did. It was risky.

  
  


If Dan was anybody else, Phil could’ve been arrested or killed. He could’ve been labeled as a “queer” and shunned. In a few moments, his world would have crashed and burned.

 

But it didn’t.

 

It did the opposite actually. Phil was standing tall and proud next to his rather handsome boss, who he was treating to milkshakes and slightly salty burgers.


	2. Crusin' for a Brusin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil get to know each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's chapter two! Lol, I'm sorry, I need to find my chill... Art coming soon!!!

Dan straightened his cardigan, as Samantha buzzed around him. Smacking red lips in his ear, straightening bleached hair until it curled flat against her shoulder, the ends curving upwards. She was an always cruising social butterfly and Dan loved her for it.

 

Well, “love” is a strong word.

 

Dan appreciated her busyness, her need to always prance and preen around others. It kept his image bright and appealing. You get more jobs if you seem appealing. Samantha, or Sammy as he called her, always knew how to keep conversation with Dan. Whether it was opting out of conversations with Dan to remove her top instead or to just nod and giggle, Sammy knew how to please Dan enough.

 

But Dan’s no idiot.

 

He noticed when he returned home, the vague scent of burgundy in the air and the rogue skinny tie hung around a throw pillow on Sammy’s side of the bed.  _ She’s cheating _ , he thought.  _ She’s cheating but it’s my job to love her so I’ll stay. It’ll work itself out, we’re Sammy and Danny. It always does. _

 

So here he was. Wandering mindlessly down the road to the station as he left Sammy to pamper at the flat alone.

 

Phil didn’t mind the extra time Dan was spending at the station. He actually found it comforting and show fuel. Over a few weeks of Dan watching him and directing the morning shows, Phil seemed to burst from his shell.

 

He made slightly obscure jokes during the show’s breaks and even convinced the show’s actual director to give him more air time for his new segment: Quick and Easy.

 

Dan snickered at the title when Phil brought it up in conversation but sat back and watched him as he went on air. The show started like any other, except when Phil finished presenting the tunes, instead of going on break, he piped up his tone and gazed into the microphone.

 

“And now, a little segment I like to call, ‘Quick and Easy!,’ and yes! I’m aware it sounds a bit naughty, but don’t get zazzed, it’s just a- well, you’ll see.”

 

Phil watched Dan’s expressions in amusement as he pulled out a small bag. He slowly reached his hand in, his eyes jokingly locking with Dan’s.

 

“The sack has chosen my fate; I have to…”

 

Phil smiled widely.

 

“Name four male actors!”

 

Phil awkwardly fiddled his thumbs before shouting random film stars, half of which weren’t male. Dan suppressed a chuckle upon watching Phil blush madly, the irony of Phil failing at his own game too much for him to bear.

 

Phil shook his head.

 

“Apparently, though I’m fast, this game isn’t easy. At all.”

 

David, the stations task manager, silently clapped, prompting Phil to do a few more rounds.

 

A task that, Dan would agree, earned an afternoon drink for Phil.

 

 

* * *

Samantha groaned as she finished her second glass of wine, leaving the inside of her lips stained.

 

Looking at the clock, she noted Dan should be home by now. But with no way to confirm, she slumped against the other body in their bed.

 

A tan arm immediately groping around her sweat glistened body.

 

The other workers’ wives would, no doubt, make a mockery of Samantha’s absent boyfriend. It’s been picking up wind around the station.

 

Ever since that Phil guy filled in that loan position, Dan’s been staying around the station longer.

 

He claims Phil’s show is “generating steam,” but Samantha hasn’t seen a jolt in Dan’s paychecks and the pool for adulterers has been drought- ridden for years.

 

With a familiar poke in her lower back, Samantha turned over and kissed the equally drunk blonde, hatefully. At the moment, she couldn't care less if Dan walked in; she was actually hoping he would.

 

Maybe he'd show some initiative, pull her hair and claim her. But as the clock loomed on 10:15, she gave up, throwing her head back and shivering at the pleasures the other man was giving her.

 

The pleasures that should've come from Dan, but didn't.

 

Because a certain dark-eyed producer was treating a certain blue eyed radio personality to a late night drink.

 

Giggles and loud shrieks filled the air around Phil and Dan. The smell of spiked shakes and cold fries wafting from their tables. What was meant to be a quick afternoon drink developed into a late night drinking fest.

 

Dan's nose and cheeks were pink with blush as he sat across from Phil who sported mussed hair and a flustered neck, blush kissing his cheeks as well.

 

They could barely hear each other over the loud music and swearing teenagers, but they managed, scooting closer together; their legs brushing past each other occasionally. Dan was too drunk to notice, but Phil secretly leaned into the small touches. It was cold in the small diner at this time of night and Dan's leg was warm.

 

Phil stopped himself from smiling too wide and instead sipped from his half melted shake. He could taste the alcohol separating from the ice cream.

 

"This is unbelievably disgusting!" he pointed. "Why did I order this again?"

 

A raspy laugh fluttered from Dan as he held his chest, afraid his heart was going to stop due to all this laughing. His head felt light and airy and he couldn't focus on anything other than the glossiness of Phil's eyes.

 

Dan was absolutely hammered.

 

It was endearing.

 

Not very professional, Phil concluded. But unfairly endearing.

 

Dan reached for his almost empty glass of gin and pressed the end of the glass to his lips, letting the strong liquid glide down his throat and fog up his brain even more. Phil's eyes suddenly seemed way more vibrant, way way way more blue.

 

And magical.

 

The gold in Phil's eyes was definitely sourced from magic. Magic and something secret, something, Dan thought, was meant to be for Phil's ears only.

 

Or maybe these thoughts were too drunk to be taken seriously.

 

Probably the latter.

 

Dan found himself giggling at nothing, his eyes beginning to glisten at how little air he was taking in around Phil.

 

Everything just seemed so purple at the moment; Dan has always been a lightweight.

 

Just another endearing quirk, Phil nodded to himself.

 

He pried himself from the plastic booth, careful not to knock both glasses off the table as he held his hand out for the younger to take.

 

"We should both head home. It's late and Sammy is probably worried about you."

 

Dan groaned but took Phil's hand, pulling himself up.

 

"She's fine, Phil, and so am I. You really shouldn't worry so much."

 

"Whatever, let's go. I reek of burgers."

 

Phil spent the walk keeping Dan on his toes, his arm slung around his waist as he practically dragged Dan down the pavement.

 

He ignored the fast pumping in his chest and instead focused on Dan's laughter and relaxing body against his.

 

In the short minutes of the exposition of their walk home, Phil had learned Dan's favorite color, food, and day of the week. It was quality entertainment to the elder, he could barely stifle his own laughs. Not that Dan would notice, the younger was too busy ranting about some radio show hosting some party. Phil couldn’t keep himself from staring. The darkness grew as their laughs seemed to hold hands, but a shriek caused them both to stop.

 

The sound didn't come from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me, the beta, and the artist on Tumblr!
> 
> Ari (writer): existingcourage  
> Julia (artist): jumigs  
> Rachel: (world's best beta): fourthingsandawizard
> 
> Check out my other works!


	3. Battered Bundie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have an encounter.

 

Dan's stomach dropped as another scream broke the quiet. It was loud and near and Phil felt the hair on the back of his neck raise.

 

Dan tugged on Phil's vest, a small suggestion that they should get the hell out of here, but Phil shook his head, motioning the younger to stay where he was.

 

"Don't move, I'll only be a second."

 

Dan lept for Phil's arm as the elder moved towards the strained screams, but only grasped the end of his dress shirt. It wasn't enough.

 

Phil sought after the cries.

 

Nearing on the loud screams, Phil balled his fist. He was already regretting his decision to investigate. He just wanted to make sure Dan and himself weren't leaving someone seriously injured, but the various grunts of different octaves told him someone wasn't just hurt.

 

Phil was about to interrupt a public assault.

 

Dan scrambled through the darkness and towards the elder. They had only just become friends and Dan knew this was in character for Phil. It was irrational and dangerous and any sensible man would've ignored it and kept walking, but no! It's Phil and this is what he does.

 

_ He's an idiot _ , Dan raged.  _ He's going to get us both killed. _

  
  


Phil stumbled into a sliver of light granted by the moon and physically cringed at the scene he was confronted with. The loud yelps were coming from a curled up boy who was being brutally kicked and spat on, his abusers, laughing and snarling as blood trickled down his chin. The boy didn't seem older than 17 and with his hunched over position, he seemed fairly small. Especially in comparison to the brutal attackers.

 

Phil felt his face grow hot as he cleared his throat, defensively stepping toward the young boy. Phil could make out the soft features of the younger boy’s face, though red and scrunched in pain. He had light brown hair that looked shaggy and matted against his damp, wet forehead. He was clearly shaking and as he groaned, Phil took in the sight of his eye.

 

Bloodshot and puffy, the boy’s eyes mirrored the soft brown of Dan’s.  _ That’s _ what set Phil off.

 

"What is going on here?"

 

The men stepped back, their eyes wild as they scanned Phil over. He had at least a foot on them and the way he glared showed he wasn't a person they could easily beat up.

 

"We're handling this bum boy, so you better be getting lost.“

 

The wavering in the speaker’s voice was evident to Phil so he took a chance, squaring his shoulders and firming his tone. Hiding all doubt. Phil was in no way a fighter, but if that’s what it came to, he felt compelled to put himself between these two meatheads and the Dan-look-alike. Hell, that’s  _ exactly _ what he was doing.

 

“I’m fine where I am,” he dared. “But you two should be heading out.”   
  


A look was shared between the boy’s attackers before the scrawnier of the two stepped closer to Phil. The look in his eyes was dangerous and wild, but also reasoning as he gestured to the lad currently curling behind Phil’s legs.   
  


“I think you misunderstood my buddy, yeah? This nancy’s a pillow-biter! We caught ‘em in the bathroom getting off to the incoming males in one of the stalls. We’re doing the world a favor, getting rid of sperm- garglers like him.”

 

The man’s stare burned hot into the whimpering boy’s skull,  sneering at the reaction he elicited from both the boy and Phil. 

 

“You think  _ we’re _ disgusting? He’s a mistake!”

 

“Fucking scum!” The other chimed.

 

Phil could feel the anger boil inside him. This was  _ wrong _ . But he felt helpless and totally useless in this situation. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was seriously doubting himself. Why had he intervened in the first place? As heat spread down his chest, he considered walking away. He could claim that he misread the situation, that he thought this was the usual London mugging and not a hate crime. It was a good enough lie.

 

He looked into the street and saw no one.  _ No Dan, either _ , he thought.  _ It’s probably for the best. He won’t see me cower. _

 

The boy’s groans had turned to squeaky whines and pleading. The sounds gave way to images of a younger Dan that tore their way into Phil’s head. Unwanted and unappreciated. He struggled to keep his face neutral as he stared back at the men.

 

“He’s just a kid.” A sigh escaped his lips. “He probably wasn’t doing what you said he was. Just leave and I’ll take care of him.”

 

“ To hell with that!” one of them bellowed. “We found him, go catch your own fag!”

 

Dan watched with wide eyes as one of the men -the bigger one- advanced slowly on Phil. The man was still quite a bit shorter than Phil, but what he lacked in height, he made up in grimy looks and strained shirts.

 

Feeling sober enough, Dan advanced towards the men, his face burning.

 

“Wait!”

 

Everyone turned to face Dan. The men stopped in their tracks, tensing seeing Dan. His height matched Phil's and even if they weren’t the fittest, they still held some intimidation over the aggressors. 

 

Phil gaped. Dan had completely complicated the situation.

 

“I saw cops down the street!” he bluffed. “They looked mad, some guys kidnapped a minor. Were planning on drugging him and killing him- they headed over here!”

 

Phil took in Dan’s frazzled state: Mussed hair and blotchy skin.  _ How long had he been standing there. Were there actually police? _

 

Time ticked slowly as the boy settled down. No longer whimpering, just lying still. The men sized up the purple and red marks lashed and pressed firmly into the teen’s skin, seemingly satisfied.

 

“We’ll go. He’s as good as dead.” one addressed.

 

“The fucking homo deserved it!” the other chimed in.

 

Without breaking eye contact Phil let the men slip past them and out of the ally. Once out of sight, Phil released a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. It took Dan all of three seconds before pushing Phil away from him.

 

“You absolute moron! You could have been killed!”

 

“But I’m not. We’re both fine…aren’t we?”

 

Phil looked warmly into Dan’s eyes. The color still hadn’t returned to the younger’s face.

 

“I mean, they didn’t hurt us, you stopped that.”

 

Dan ignored Phil and slowly descended to the gravel, putting him at eye level with the groaning boy. Without compromising his masculinity he lightly shoved the teen, earning a high pitched mewl.

 

“ Hey, are you okay?”

 

The boy struggled not to cry. He had clamped his eyes shut long before Phil arrived, but he still refused to open them, sure he would be faced with another blunt hit to his face. Dan’s expression softened.

 

“It’s just my friend and I, and we won’t hurt you right, Phil?”

 

“Never.”

 

“See, we’re good people.”

 

The boy just cried quietly, sobs tearing through his throat but drowning in guttural groans. Phil eyed Dan before looking away. Dan didn’t notice, his attention solely on the tense boy before him.

 

“We’ll leave and we won’t come back. The bad men are gone now, we won’t stay around, we’ll go, okay?”

 

Dan lifted from the ground and gestured into the open street, his way of saying they should head out.

 

Phil nodded and started for the lit pavement just beyond the ally. Dan joined him and just as they slipped past, Dan heard the crunch of gravel and a faint ‘thank you’ from the darkened ally. As much as that should’ve brought him comfort, it didn’t.

 

It made his stomach turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow us on Tumblr and check out my other works!
> 
> Ari (writer): existingcourage  
> Julia (artist): jumigs  
> Rachel: (world's best beta): fourthingsandawizard


	4. Lost in Zorros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil deal with the aftermath.

The walk to Dan's place was excruciatingly long. With random stops made by Dan and the occasional whimper, Phil wasn't sure either of them would make it to the younger's flat. A quick look at Dan cemented that thought.

 

Phil guided Dan down the road, the opposite direction from his flat. Dan, absent minded, just obliged. His feet dragged along the pavement as he found it harder to breathe.   
  
  
  
Dan wasn't scarred necessarily. He had been exposed to that sort of hate and punishment. The way he was raised had conditioned him to believe everyone who wasn't straight was a disgrace. He, of course, didn't wholeheartedly believe that _. It wasn't wrong to sometimes fantasize about the opposite sex. _ Or at least that's what he's been telling himself since the incident.   
  
  
  
It just seemed wrong to hurt a kid for being that. He couldn't seem to shake the boy's screams and those men's grunts out of his head. His ken couldn't handle the rugged breaths, the snarls, his heart beating in his ears, Phil.   
  
  
  
The sight of Phil confronted by the men almost stopped Dan's heart.

 

How could anybody be so reckless, so stupid to put themselves in such a dangerous situation? Out of the dozens of possible outcomes that coursed Dan's thoughts, Phil surviving seemed the most outrageous. He cursed himself for being so concerned, but at the moment he was drunk and shaking and the whole situation freaked him out. It was hardly his fault.

 

He could tell Phil was watching him, but he insisted on focusing on his feet. It had to be late into the night now and though Dan felt the need to contact Samantha, he pushed that thought back. She was probably busy, he mentally scoffed.  _ As drunk as I am, I know I won’t be able to handle the sight of her with someone else. _

 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he was correct to suspect so. Of course, he was. Sammy was never fully committed to him. How many times had she left Dan tear-stained and tired?

 

Too many times to count.

 

But he loved her, her perfect hair and bubbly personality. He had to. The obligation of “their love” felt too familiar to just set aside. She had that kind of effect on Dan; he felt as if she was the only one willing to love him.  Dan belonged to Samantha, but that’s as far as their relationship went.

 

Ownership.

 

Color returned to Dan’s cheeks, but in blotchy scarlet patches. He kept his head down as if to hide what torment he was under. A quick glance at Phil told Dan he didn’t cover much. In fact, as they approached the door to Phil’s flat, Dan swore he felt airy fingers brush against his elbow.

 

_ Phil’s attempt to comfort him? _

 

The inside of Phil’s place wasn’t surprising to Dan, to say the least. Vinyls and tv film brochures were plastered against blue walls. Black and white photos of Phil’s family and university life balanced against shelves and counter tops as books nearly spilled from being shoved into tight bookcases. It was homely and bright.

 

On any other occasion, Dan would’ve joked about how Phil really  _ was  _ an open book -bright and genuine through and through- but his mood had been brought down.

 

Dan was briefly distracted by the hustle and bustle of Phil rushing around the kitchen, pulling out pots and a round cutting board.  He stood in the doorway, eyes tired and watching Phil closely, but not quite registering what Phil was doing .

 

Phil stopped and smiled a small smile at Dan before walking over and placing both hands on the younger man’s shoulders.

 

“I know tonight was a bit strange and you’re probably tired.” Dan nodded at Phil’s words. “But if you’re going to relax, you have to get comfy.”

 

Dan was on the verge of arguing when he felt airy fingers brush his cardigan down his shoulders. His tee-shirt had adjusted under Phil’s touch, but the feeling of rough hands lingered through the fabric. Dan had to stop the blush from creeping up his neck. 

 

He knew Phil was just trying to be a good friend; his intentions were pure. But Dan couldn’t help it, it had been awhile since someone else prompted him to take off his clothes, and even if this time it had been a guy, let alone one of his clients, the fact that it had been Phil had made him feel uncomfortable… in a good way. In a confusing “this is wrong but who cares” way.

 

Phil drew his hands back.

 

“You’re staring.”

 

“I’m tired”

 

Phil’s gaze read sympathy as he guided Dan out of the kitchen and into the lounge. The room was smaller than Dan’s, but Dan found he preferred it that way. He studied Phil as the older man sat on a fairly proportioned loveseat, the only place to sit in this “lounge.”

 

Dan could’ve melted into that seat.

 

He curled in on himself as he took a seat next to Phil. Phil, who was, unsurprisingly, staring at Dan.  _ God _ , how Dan wished he would stop doing that.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t take you back home,” he heard Phil whisper. Dan tried to shrug his shoulder, but instead he sank deeper into the loveseat.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“Is it? Are you?”

 

“What?”

 

“ Fine?”

 

Phil watched as Dan pressed his nose into the knee of his slacks. The younger man’s head was clearly crowded, and neither of them could do anything to fix that.

 

Dan didn’t answer Phil, just stared at his hands until he no longer felt the warmth of Phil’s blue eyes. He couldn’t find the courage to look up, so he sat, replaying the night’s events in his head.

 

He found himself staring at Phil’s chin, unable to extend his gaze anymore.

 

“You’re an  _ idiot _ .”

 

“Dan-”

 

“We were having a good night and then you go and decide you want to risk your own fucking life. What the hell were you thinking? Who the  _ fuck _ does that?”

 

“Dan, please-”

 

“What would I have done if they hurt you, Phil? If they…  _ killed _ you?!”

 

Phil looked exasperated.

 

“That wouldn’t have happened-”

 

“You don’t know that, Phil!” Hot, uncomfortable tears rolled down Dan’s cheeks. His words more sobs than syllables. “You don’t know, because you weren’t thinking.”

 

Phil hoped Dan would look up and see the sincerity in his eyes. He hoped Dan would realize he was wrong, that Phil had been thinking. That Phil had been trying to ensure their safety. _ Dan’s _ safety.

 

Phil absent mindedly placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder before thinking it over and drawing it back. 

 

He didn’t want to make Dan feel uncomfortable. 

 

“I’m sorry I scared you,”  he tried. “But I had to make sure no one was hurt, and the situation only got worse when I found out the kid was being brutalized because of..”

 

“Because he’s what? Wrong? Gross?”

 

Phil didn’t want to recoil, he trusted Dan, but he thought about the way Dan rushed to scare those men. Did he only do that to make sure Phil was okay? That couldn’t be it, Dan wasn’t hostile with the boy. In fact, watching Dan interact with the boy, Phil had half expected Dan to insist on taking him home to stay safe.  _ So what was it _ ? Phil thought. 

 

He decided to tread Dan’s waters lightly.

 

“He’s just a kid.”

 

Dan didn’t react. Phil gave that same response to the attackers. It felt almost hidden, like there were meaning behind Phil’s words, but he wasn’t conveying any of it to Dan. _ So maybe talking wouldn’t work in this situation. _

 

Phil pushed himself off the small couch and headed back to the kitchen. If words wouldn’t work, maybe food would.

 

As Phil left the room, Dan found himself staring at the spot Phil had just left. Teary eyed and tired, he choked back a sob.  _ Where had all these emotions come from?  _ He wasn’t that drunk; after that incident, he wasn’t sure if he ever could let loose like that again. It felt like bricks were piling on his chest and the possibility of seeing Phil hurt only heightened that feeling. He wished Phil would come back.

 

In the kitchen, hot soup was being poured into a ceramic bowl: chicken and lentil. The same recipe Phil’s mum used to make for him when he felt sad or sick. In Dan’s case, he was both. Phil wasn’t sure if the whole “food as medicine” thing really worked, but he hoped, for Dan’s sake, it would. 

 

The aroma wafted into the living space, fresh and warm. It made Dan’s tiredness stronger. His eyelids felt like lead and he longed for nothing more than ten hours of silent bliss, but as Phil entered the room with a small bowl of broth that smelled like home, his senses sharpened. He suddenly felt more alert, and he studied Phil’s steps into the lounge ending at the foot of his loveseat.

 

“You’re probably not hungry, but this soup always makes me feel better.”

 

Pushing the warm dish into Dan’s hands, Phil took his place next to Dan, their shoulders touching lightly. Dan nodded his thanks.

 

“I’m sorry again for rushing us into that situation,” Phil started. “It was a stupid impulse.”

 

Dan shook his head. “You’ve already said that.”

 

A low, content noise escaped Phil’s lips at Dan’s sarcastic words. 

 

“I know, but it’s true. That kid, he just- I was him once.”

 

Dan snapped his head towards Phil.

 

“What?”

 

“The being attacked thing, I mean.” Dan’s shoulders stiffened. “I was around his age, lanky and all giggles. Made a good target.”

 

Phil looked nervous as he stared at Dan, the trust evident in his tone.

 

“They would bother me everywhere they saw me. School, home, bathrooms. They didn’t care. I turned out fine, my parents always had my back, but that shit sticks with you.”

 

Dan nodded but decided not to comment. Instead he took long gulps of the broth as Phil continued.

 

“We moved to London after that. That’s why I did what I did. I couldn’t let you- him. I couldn’t let that boy get thrown around like that!”

 

“You were going to fight them?”

 

“Not initially, no. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not in any condition to take on anyone.”

 

Dan scoffed at that.

 

“Phil, you’re pretty fit.”

 

“Is that why I work in front of a mic and not a camera?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Okay, okay.”

 

Dan’s face turned serious for a moment as he gazed at Phil.

 

“That kid was a homosexual. How- how do you feel about that? And don’t give me that ‘He’s just a kid!’ bullshit. I want an answer, a real one.”

 

“Are you asking me as my employer or as my friend?”

 

Dan smiled to himself at Phil’s joke, but Phil didn’t react at all. He had been serious. His thoughts, his real thoughts could get him into some serious trouble. 

 

“Friend. Always,” Dan corrected. Phil looked away. His eyes were glossy and a frown pulled at his lips.

 

“I don’t know. I should be disgusted shouldn’t I? Being one of them, it isn’t natural, right? Well, when I see kids like him. When I hear reports of my old friend back home being drowned because of what he was caught doing. When I look at… people, it’s when it clicks. How can it be wrong to love, Dan? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

 

Phil looked up at Dan once he finished. Brown eyes met blue ones, and both were watery though neither knew why. Dan nodded, not breaking eye contact. The air between them felt oddly intense and thick.

 

_ This isn’t professional _ , Dan scolded himself before opening his mouth and staring at Phil.

 

“Samantha is cheating on me.”

 

The words came out cold and harsh against Dan’s lips. He watched as shock spread through Phil’s features.

 

“What? How do you-”

 

“She doesn’t even try to hide it. I find articles of clothes I don’t own, smell them on her…”

 

“That’s awful, Dan-”

 

“And then I come home and she yells at me. The _ man _ .” He looks at Phil, tears clouding his vision. “I’m supposed to wear the pants in the relationship. I’m the worker, the loyal one, but no! She rips the pants from me and demands me to obey.”

 

Phil tried to ignore the “literally” that Dan tried to swallow.

 

“But I’m supposed to love her. I  _ do  _ love her, Phil. She’s Sammy.

 

Phil looked away, allowing Dan to squeeze his eyes tight and let a few tears fall. They both were feeling the lead on their tongues now.

 

“Dan, that’s not love.”

 

More tears fell onto Dan’s cheeks, but he refused to look into those deep blue eyes. 

 

“I know,” He choked out. “But it’s all I have.”

 

Phil’s chest tightened as the pieces in his heart started to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow us on Tumblr and check out my other works!
> 
> Ari (writer): existingcourage  
> Julia (artist): jumigs  
> Rachel: (world's best beta): fourthingsandawizard


	5. The Moon and You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil almost have a conversation.

The moon’s light danced on the tip of Dan’s nose. Confused and tired, he turned his head towards the window. He always felt comfortable sleeping when he could see the moon; it reminded him of being younger and free. Actually free, no obligations, no laws, just him and the sky. But now, looking at it, full and bright, Dan realized he wasn’t comforted.

 

He was beyond terrified.

 

Dan had retired to Phil’s bedroom after complaining about stomach pains. It was a lie of course, but there hadn’t been another way to leave without raising suspicion. Phil, being the lovely host he is, only nodded and led him into the only room branching from the lounge.  His hand found Dan’s wrist for a moment before moving away, swift but not frantic. It was with small gestures like these that Dan found himself wanting to retreat to the harshness of his home. He could deal with the familiarity of Sammy’s cold shoulder; Phil’s touches, however? He didn’t know how much more of  _ them _ he could take.

 

Dan didn’t think  _ kindness  _ could hurt so much.

 

Phil, with his soft blue eyes and dumb homemade soup, was pushing Dan to a whole new set of boundaries. Boundaries he didn’t know he had. With his checkered vests, he was drawing Dan thin lines, and damn did they look tempting to cross. How dare Phil act caring and selfless and unlike anyone Dan’s ever interacted with? Compared to Phil, everyone’s kindness just seemed disingenuous and forced. Especially Samantha's.

 

_ God! I shouldn’t be comparing those two. My girlfriend and my co-worker. There shouldn’t be a comparison. There isn’t. I’m just drunk. _

 

Dan nodded to himself. He wasn’t sober, these thoughts weren’t his. It was his drunk mind molding what he saw tonight into some homosexual alternate universe. One where being into the same sex wasn’t outrageous. Dan shut his eyes.

 

Was it wrong he wanted to experience that? If only in a dream?

 

Trembling fingers curled around the soft material of Phil’s sheets in an attempt to stop his shaking, Dan buried his face into the sweet smelling pillow that rested on Phil’s bed. The air smelt of raspberries and shoe polish. 

 

It was a promising scent, perhaps crafted with so much meaning it made Dan’s head spin. He concluded that dream land would share the scent.

 

Tears rolled down his cheeks, but he didn’t make any attempt to wipe them away. _ There’s no point. That world doesn’t exist. _

 

Suddenly those calming sheets felt hot and rough against his skin.

 

“And even if it did,” Dan squeezed his eyes tight; “I wouldn’t want to be there.”

 

* * *

 

 

Phil sat with his face in the palms of his hands. Perched on the edge of the loveseat, he wondered what he had done wrong to make Dan uncomfortable. The air between them felt thick as he guided them to his room and even thicker as he left Dan alone. What had once been a carefree friendship seemed to have blossomed into a myriad of awkward silences and careful glances.

 

Drawing his knees to his chest, Phil breathed in deep, taking in the scent of Dan’s cologne on the couch. It was odd smelling, in a way that  _ of course _ Dan wore this: cinnamon and oil with a dash of lavender.

 

If anything it reminded Phil of the warmness of Dan’s eyes. Those eyes that matched perfectly with yet-to-be-straightened curls that tickled Dan’s long eyelashes. Eyelashes that would sometimes fall on Dan’s high cheekbones, leaving Phil with the relentless urge to softly brush them away.

 

Phil felt like laughing at himself.

 

It was almost pathetic, his crush on Dan, if you could even call it that. It was more like illegal unrequited,  _ if anyone knew my life would be in shambles _ , pining. He wasn’t too worried about his feelings though. They would fall through.

 

At least, that’s what he hoped.

 

Phil was  sick of only being able to daydream about men that he wanted or that he wanted to have him. He had had his fair share of lovers, both male and female, and knew of the hardships of each team. Be with a woman and it’s your job to satisfy her financially as well as romantically. Be with a man and expect nothing more than rushed rounds of back seat bingo and the inevitability that your partner  _ will  _ kill himself. It was basically textbook for Phil, yet being with Dan felt different.

 

It’s silly and he knows it, they’ve known each other for less than two months,and yet he finds himself caring so goddamn much.

 

It was just so easy to see him and Dan as just that _ : him and Dan. _ Two friends who enjoyed the other’s presence because they were both dorky and lanky and completely in love with their work and audience. It was easy to see everyone as who they were. 

 

When Phil looked at Dan, he didn’t see his pronouns or sexual orientation. He just saw Dan. Beautiful, perfect, immaculate Dan.

 

The scared, beaten boy surfaced to Phil’s memory.  _ They don’t seem too different _ , Phil grimaced. _ They both deserve more than the troubles I haven’t prevented. _

  
  


So what if Dan was a bit pissed at him. Phil hadn’t felt this strong of a connection in years, and whether it be a friendship or another failed relationship society deemed inhumane, Phil wanted to make sure he hadn’t ruined what they had, if they even had anything.

 

He pushed himself off the loveseat and made his way towards his bedroom.

 

There was a chance Dan was awake.

 

A chance Dan couldn’t sleep because his thoughts were haunting him like Phil’s. Doubt swarmed around Phil, pushing him back to the couch, but he ignored it. He pushed past the butterfly garden in his stomach and marched to the familiar light blue door frame.

 

With a nudge, he nervously walked into the moonlit room. He didn’t know what he had planned to say, but with a deep breath he knew he was ready to say it. No matter the consequences.

 

“Hey, Dan.”

 

The room grew frigid.

 

Dan shut his eyes tight, turning to face away from Phil. His heart boomed in his chest, but he swallowed hard, attempting to calm his nerves. This conversation was the last thing Dan wanted.

 

“Dan?”

 

Phil stepped farther into the space. 

 

“Are you still awake?”

 

Phil combed his hair through his fingers as silence filled the air. He wanted to talk to Dan. No, he  _ needed _ to talk with Dan. Everything was telling him to. 

 

The waning gibbous moon shined bright lines on the edges of Dan’s face. His jaw and lips, pink in the white light, seemed to taunt him. Somehow this night made Phil want Dan more than he previously did. Somehow Phil realized the gravity of his situation.

 

Dan’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheekbones as he struggled to keep his eyes closed. Phil hadn’t spoken in two minutes, but Dan could feel his presence. It dawned on him they were going to have this conversation whether or not he was awake. 

 

Phil crossed the room. He was aware of how weird this might’ve been, him hanging out in the same room as his sleeping, distressed boss, but it felt necessary. 

 

He gathered all this courage,and he wasn’t about to let it go to waste because Dan decided to take a nap. 

 

“I think it’s better you’re not awake right now. It’d be harder to say.”

 

Dan felt blush crawl down his spine, though he didn’t react. He felt unsure about Phil’s words. So much has happened between them tonight, all confusing and fast. He was worried Phil’s words would spiral downwards until they were both hurt. 

 

He hoped Phil would stop there, but Dan knew by now he wouldn’t.

 

“I consider you a close friend- well, I've never had close friends, but you’re close to me and I assume we’re friends…”

 

_ I’d hope,  _ Dan thought.

 

“-but that doesn’t change the fact that what’s happened has startled us. Actually, you wigged out, but that’s beside the point. We were both scared, Dan. You were frightened and I just wanted to help. I wanted to be brave.. So you didn’t have to be.”

 

Dan felt himself stiffen. Words, like the ones falling from Phil’s lips, were never directed towards him. The effect they had on Dan was new. It felt like honesty, in a strange sense. Dan wanted to curl away from Phil to stop his mind from wandering, but it was difficult. The image of concentrated blue eyes kept pounding their way into Dan’s skull.

 

It was too easy to picture himself not with Sammy, and even easier to picture himself with bright blue eyes. His thoughts felt royally screwed, but then Phil groaned, low and frustrated.

 

That’s what snapped Dan. It was like an alarm, deep and confirming. Phil was another man.  He shoved the idea of Phil wanting to protect him aside.

 

Dan wasn’t a pansy. He protected himself.

 

Another sound pushed past Phil’s lips. Though it sounded more whimper than groan.

 

“And you frustrate the hell out of me, Dan! I know it’s wrong, I know, but you make it so hard to keep this secret… I could- we could get hurt…” 

 

Phil sighed.

 

“Is it bad I want to take that risk? Fuck, I’m not thinking clearly! It’s just that-”

 

Dan felt Phil’s fingers against his cheek. He tensed more.

 

“I feel broken.”

 

Those fingers against his cheeks, calloused yet cold, seemed to paralyze him. There was no hold, no grip, but still, he felt drawn to Phil. Drawn in a way he knew was wrong. His face cooled under Phil’s touch. Did Phil feel the way Dan leaned into his fingertips?

 

If he did, he didn’t react. His movements were slow, steady, as if not to wake Dan. 

 

There was silence, but only for a second. Then there were tears.

 

Slow and pleading and continuous tears. Phil looked towards the door, but didn’t advance. He felt connected to Dan, like at any moment Dan could open his eyes and stop Phil’s anguish with only a glance.

 

Another second passed and then Phil was staring at Dan again, his eyes red and wet. In an attempt to pull away from the younger man, he clamped his eyes shut and took a deep breath.

 

If only for tonight, he thought. 

 

And then Phil was leaning in, his eyes glued on Dan’s mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Show us some love and follow   
> @jumigs, the artist  
> @existingcourage, myself  
> and the world’s greatest beta, @fourthingsandawizard


	6. Agitate the Gravel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil feel lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! A new chapter will be posted Sunday or Saturday, so look out for that! You can get updates on my Tumblr @existingcourage. Feel free to ask any questions!!!

Tears. 

 

Dan should’ve braced himself when he heard those. Phil crying couldn’t have been a good sign,  _ wasn’t _ a good sign. But there he was, sobbing and holding back whimpers as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

Those same tears fell on Dan’s face. Small and beaded and cold, though Dan knew for a fact Phil’s face was burning. Those pathetic tears landed on the corner of Dan’s mouth, then on his cheek. 

 

If Phil weren’t so close, Dan would’ve suspected the tears as his own. He was accustomed to crying, albeit he was usually alone when he did it. But Phil was close, the warmth of his face hovering above Dan’s in those few sad seconds. 

 

Those few seconds before everything between them changed. 

 

As Phil leaned in closer to Dan’s lips, anxiety tightened Phil’s chest. He feared rejection, but he feared seeing this  _ maybe sparky thing  _ between him and Dan disappear more.

 

Maybe this wasn’t the best decision, but it was the one he wanted. That had to count for something, didn’t it?

 

Phil, with closed eyes, placed his hands on both sides of Dan’s face and leaned down until he felt the coolness of Dan’s breathing. 

 

It mixed with the warmth of his skin, and then Phil’s lips were on Dan’s. 

 

Phil’s mind went blank as the feeling of Dan clouded everything. His lips were softer than he expected, moistened by his fallen tears. 

 

He heard a sigh slip from his lips as his tensed shoulders settled. For those few seconds, Phil’s focus was foggy with the image of the other, but little did he realize...

 

Dan was in a panic. 

 

Unexpected and foreign, Phil’s lips against his caused him to start. 

 

He almost turned away, but he felt himself lifting slightly to meet the other. The sensation was a new one, but he found that he liked it. 

 

He was never that self-aware.

 

That realization itself made Dan feel uneasy. 

 

He hated being self-aware. 

 

He hated knowing Phil was kissing him and he didn’t want to pull away. 

 

He hated how fast his heart was beating in his chest as Phil’s fingers traced the sides of his face. 

 

He hated how he couldn’t control himself. 

 

_ Oh, how I wish I had self-control.  _

 

Dan parted his lips, capturing Phil’s tiny sighs. He kissed back, not knowing how or what he was doing, but still trying to make an effort. 

 

_ Did kissing work the same way for guys as it did for girls? _

 

_ What do I do with my hands? _

 

He argued with himself before hesitantly draping his arms over Phil’s shoulder, startling the other. As if on cue, their bodies relaxed. The laziness of the kiss was nothing short of wonderful to Dan. 

 

Phil tasted oddly of hope...and salt. 

 

More tears fell upon his cheeks and this time he knew they weren’t Phil’s. 

 

Dan felt loved. 

 

Sweet, unimaginable, blue-eyed love. A new feeling he was no doubt growing obsessed with. Phil’s lips were soft and comforting and plump -probably from biting- and he wanted nothing more than to stay here forever, wrapped in his forbidden dreamland. But he couldn’t. 

 

Because  _ this _ was wrong. 

 

Wonderful, but inexplicably wrong, and Dan needed this to stop because he wasn’t, couldn’t be wrong. 

 

Hands pushed against Phil’s shoulders. It was a harsh move considering he initiated the continuation of the kiss, but Dan felt it necessary. 

 

Hot tears streamed down his face. His hands pushed Phil away again, this time more forceful. 

 

Dan could feel the burn in his throat and clamped his mouth shut. 

 

He had started screaming. 

 

He hadn’t heard it. 

 

Dan looked up at Phil who was now stumbling back, frightened with red eyes. His mouth was moving, but Dan wasn’t listening. 

 

He went to run out the room, but a firm hand stopped him from advancing to the door. He glared at Phil, then grimaced at his glare. Phil couldn’t decipher either look. He reached for Dan’s hands. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please- please!”

 

Dan pushed hard at Phil’s chest, his sobs louder now. He was confused. So was Phil. 

 

“-Dan don’t go, I didn’t mean to do anything. I’m sorry-“

 

“Like  _ hell _ you are!”

 

Dan couldn’t stop his tone from being rough. More tears. 

 

“Please, please, please Dan. I’m so…”

 

Phil choked back a sob. His hair was messily pressed against his forehead, and his eyes burned. He felt hot under Dan’s stares. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” he cried out. 

 

Dan shook his head.  _ I’m sorry too _ , he wanted to say, but he held back. Saying  _ that _ wouldn’t help the situation. 

 

_ There was no helping a burning house in hell. _

 

He turned to Phil. 

 

“I’m going to go now, okay? Don’t touch me- don’t come  _ any  _ closer! I’m leaving.”

 

“Please just talk to me, please just stay.”

 

Dan stared at Phil’s confused expression. 

 

“No. I need to go, Sammy’s waiting for me. She wants me home. I want to go home.”

 

“She’s not your  _ home _ , Dan-“

 

“And you are?”

 

Phil cowered at those words. Dan just shook his head. 

 

“You don’t know me, Phil! I’m not like, like  _ that.  _ I’m not like-“

 

“What? Like me? Like that boy? One of  _ them _ ? Say it!”

 

Dan whimpered, visibly in pain at Phil’s word choice. He didn’t want this. It hurt, the way Phil looked right now. Dejected with puffy eyes. And all because of him. 

 

All because he wanted to play it safe. 

 

God! Dan was a shitty person and he knew it. 

 

“I’m leaving.”  

 

Phil straightened his back at that comment, lunging for Dan again. His eyes were wide and watery. He couldn’t be alone right now. Dan just couldn’t go. Phil wouldn’t be able to go on if Dan just left. He tried to grab Dan’s hand, his shirt, his  _ anything _ to make him stay. 

 

“Please stay. We can talk- we can forget anything happened! I don’t want to go to prison, Dan. I want to live. I like my job and- I like you! Just wait…. please?”

 

But Dan had already left, his head down as he pushed past Phil. Dan couldn’t bring himself to look up at the other. He turned his back and walked out. 

 

Not one word said to the shaky mess in front of him. 

 

Not one look at the man who Dan needed to be too good to be true.

 

The door slammed, loud and echoing in Phil’s head. That pounding wouldn’t leave, it hammered and hammered against his skull until he was sobbing again, hot tears burning Phil’s skin as he decided _ , I did this to myself _ .

 

_ Dan, myself, everything. It’s all my fault. _

 

Phil could’ve laughed at the irony in that. The fact that he wished upon a star, was granted his wish, and then had everything -wish, star, and all- ripped from his hands. He could’ve joked about how ironic it was.

 

Except it wasn’t fucking ironic.

 

Phil looked down at his bloody knuckles and then at the door Dan ran out of, smudged with red. He hadn’t remembered doing that, but it had to have been him. His knuckles were raw and the lines on the door were angry and bright. 

 

If only Dan could see him now, he grimaced. If only Dan could feel the pain he was feeling. Would he curl against the doorframe like Phil was now, tears gone, but head still pounding. A forced laugh spilled from Phil’s lips.

 

_ Where is my happy ending? The one devoid of irony and desolation. Don’t I deserve one too?  _

 

_ This isn’t the ending I wanted. _


	7. Confused or Scared?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil are confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter Tuesday or Wednesday!

_ Okay. So now, we wait.  _

 

Phil paced around his flat. With the initial shock of the fight -if you could call it that- gone, he only felt fearful. 

 

Dan could be anywhere, saying anything, to anyone, about everything that happened tonight. Maybe he already had. It was possible people were already on their way over, ready to kick down the door and mutilate Phil on Dan’s trumped up charges of “assault.”

 

Phil knew he was probably being ridiculous, but he had the right to feel this way. He loved his life -the parts he didn’t have to hide at least- and he wanted to be able to keep living it. He wanted to be able to go in on Monday afternoon and not have to worry about Dan yelling profanities at him—or worse.

 

Phil groaned. He wished he realized this before advancing on Dan. Whimpering slightly, Phil moved towards the loveseat, avoiding the way Dan’s cardigan contrasted so nicely with Phil’s decor. God! He really shouldn’t be thinking like this, not when Dan’s out there probably drafting up some career ruining report.

 

Ok, not probably. Phil knows Dan’s not like that… or at least that’s what he hopes. Tears prick the corners of Phil’s eyes, he really doesn’t know Dan. Somehow in the short span, he’d known Dan, he fooled himself into feigning attraction. The attraction that would now be his own suicide.

 

Maybe he could pack up and leave before anything happens. He’d forget Dan with his perfect face and deep dimples. He’d leave behind his dream job, move far away. America maybe? It wouldn’t be that hard.

 

Except his family was here, they’d be left to pick up Phil’s mess and accept the shame.

 

Phil groaned. “I made everything so fucking difficult.” He slumped against the cushions of the small couch, not bothering to get comfortable, just sinking to sink. Because that’s how he felt, like a sinking ship. Phil was both the boat and the iceberg.

 

And that weird ringing noise were screams? Phil groaned again, who the fuck was calling at -he stole a glance at his watch- almost 2 am?

 

Phil debated whether or not he should just stay put or go answer. What if it was Dan? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? He didn’t know, his chest felt too heavy to form any sensible thoughts.

 

He pried himself from his cushion crease, picked up the too heavy phone handle, and pressed it to his ear. Without thinking, he sighed dismissively. To the person on the other end, it would seem like a tired yawn, but Phil knew it wasn’t. He just couldn’t seem to care.

 

“Yes, hello?”

 

A chipper voice answered. It was perky and familiar, yet Phil didn’t know where he’d heard it before.

 

“Hi, is this Phil? It’s Samantha.”

 

Okay, so that’s where. 

 

“Yeah, uh, it’s me…”

 

“Great! I’m sorry to bother you so late, but Bubba hasn’t come home yet since the office.”

 

Phil just grunted in response. Of course Dan wasn’t home yet and  _ of course _ , his psycho girlfriend decided to call him. 

 

“I’m sorry Samantha, but I can’t help you. I haven’t seen him-”

 

“I heard you guys went out.”

 

Phil froze and he hoped she couldn’t hear his breath hitch.

 

“Yeah, yeah. We got a drink and all, but that was it. I haven’t seen him since.” Phil frowned at her sighing. “Look, I have to go it’s late and-”

 

“But you’ll call again, right?”

 

“Excuse me?” His tone was sharp and definitely rude, but he was tired and emotionally drained and this conversation was the last thing he wanted.

 

“I just mean, you’re so talented. Your voice is soothing and you’re funny. You and Dan are work friends now, so it’s only a matter of time before you get invited over or something. Bubba wouldn’t mind-”

 

“I have to go, it’s late, bye.”

 

“Okay then, my offer’s always-”

 

The receiver buzzed in Phil’s ears, he just couldn’t be bothered to listen to Samantha’s grovelling. Her lame attempts to mask wanting Phil under looking for Dan made him want to scream. How dare she act like that, especially with Phil.

 

Especially when Dan’s not there.

 

Phil groaned.  _ Where was Dan? He had to be home by now.  _

 

* * *

 

Tired feet dragged along the pavement. It was raining now but Dan couldn’t notice, his brain was busy, buzzing with images of a distraught Phil. He felt guilty for leaving like he did. The words came out wrong and his actions could’ve been perceived as hostile. There had been screaming -mostly from Dan- and grabbing. Phil looked so hurt, so rejected.

 

Why couldn’t he see this wasn’t a rejection? Why couldn’t he understand Dan wanted him too and that he was just scared? The emotion was in his eyes. Why couldn’t Phil fucking look past Dan’s words and realize Dan  _ had  _ to go.

 

He just had to get out of there.

 

Out the room where he felt hopeful and helpless all at once. It was sad how easily he gave into everything that was Phil; black hair and ocean eyes. Dan never saw himself as  _ lost _ , but he knew now, that’s exactly what he was. Lost.

 

He was lost in the way Phil’s lips felt against him. How his calloused fingers felt nice against his burning skin. Dan remembered every feeling he went through tonight, he could describe every touch in detail. Dan was so lost.

 

His steps must’ve slowed because soon Dan couldn’t see the pavement move under him. It was a gradual realization. His legs felt weak and his eyes were droopy.  _ Maybe _ , he thought.  _ I’m about to pass out _ . 

 

_ Maybe I won’t make it “home” tonight _ \--- but then the pavement changed from gravel to carpet and he knew. Dan knew he would, because there Sammy stood, tall and currently focused. Dan’s mind raced, he felt angry -mostly at himself- and guilty and confused, but more than anything he felt  _ sad. So sad _ . And so he reached for her, desperate for any kind of comfort, any sign that he was okay, and then-- he saw.

 

That same black hair accompanied with those same blue eyes. Eyes that  _ were _ red and watery, but were now crinkled and  _ happy? _

 

Only that couldn’t be, because Sammy- because  _ Phil _ couldn’t,  _ wouldn’t _ hurt Dan that way. It wasn’t in his nature.

 

Dan moved away from them, stumbling back until he reached the door. His hand flew behind him and he was pretty sure he was making noise, pretty sure they were looking and absolutely sure his face was red, but honestly, he didn’t care.

 

Because Phil didn’t care.

 

Because Dan fucked up and this was his punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter Tuesday or Wednesday!

**Author's Note:**

> Yay!!! One chapter down... Follow us on Tumblr and check out my other works!
> 
> Ari (writer): existingcourage  
> Julia (artist): jumigs  
> Rachel: (world's best beta): fourthingsandawizard


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